Devilish Definitions.

Posted by Christopher Waldrop

May 28, 2008 |

I love dictionaries because it’s so amazing how words mean what they mean, how they can evolve through time, taking on completely different meanings. And they’re flexible in their meanings. Take, for instance, this definition from one of my favorite dictionaries:

Abominable, adj. The quality of another’s opinions.

Of course that’s from Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. Samuel Johnson took it upon himself to write an entire serious dictionary, but Bierce is the only writer I know who decided to write an entirely satirical dictionary. Flipping through it’s not hard to find some real gems, hardened by the cynicism that earned him the nickname “Bitter Bierce”:

Acclimated, p.p. Secured against endemic diseases through having died of one.

Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal in your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

Friendliness, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

Grave, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

Hatred, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s superiority.

Impartial, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

Kill, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

Longevity, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.

Noise, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.

Oppose, v. To assist with obstructions and objections.

Painting, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.

Reasonable, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.

Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

Twice, adv. Once too often.

Ultimatum, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.

Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

Wit, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

Bierce has only one entry for the letter X, saying, ”in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will doubtless last as long as the language.”

Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.

Check out the complete Devil’s Dictionary Online, or check out a 2006 edition with illustrations by Ralph Steadman.